MEET A MANIC PIXIE DREAM GIRL IN YOUR AREA!
she won't bite. unless you're into that kinda thing. contact us at +420-666-2868
Her name is Denise but with a z! If you do not pronounce it with a z sound at the end, she will secretly despise you but will be too anxious to say anything. Wore blue mascara exclusively ages 15-17 and will bring that back just to leave blue lashes on your pale pillowcase for you! Born in a country you’ve never heard of and cannot even pronounce. Is allergic to alcohol. Will make you a playlist. Or fifteen. Can predict plots to movies with 83% accuracy, so you better watch the film before seeing it with her. Has quit four instruments right before leaving the novice level. Does not understand the obsession with babies. Children are only cute during their toddler years.
Will pretend to be Italian so you can take her home to your Republican parents in Kentucky! She’ll pretend it doesn’t hurt when you say that. Currently diagnosed with six mental illnesses, two of which she rejects because she knows better than a licensed psychiatrist. She is two weeks clean out of spite. Has developed a cigarette habit instead but will never vape because she wants to look like Joan Didion: right elbow leaning on left arm, unimpressed gaze, piano fingers barely trying to keep the tobacco afloat. Has most of the Cool Girl Monologue memorized. Will watch you watch Gone Girl on the first date. Will Amy Dunne-you if you support the husband.
Will shower when the smell nears noticeability or when the local gas station clerk balances his forefinger in front of their noise within her proximity. Will avoid the shower at all costs until then. Cannot touch paper following a shower. Or a towel. Or anything at all. Wishes to strip off her skin and leave it on a clothing line to air until the morning for the temper of the water to evaporate. Yes, it is a nuisance.
Has had chronic insomnia since leaving the womb. Needs to take five pills every night to function. Cannot drink filtered tap water. Needs the unsustainable plastic ones because of texture and flavor sensitivity. Believes she will go to hell specifically for this reason. Collects her cigarette butts in hopes of undoing all the sea lions she’s brutally murdered with one-time-use plastic bottles.
Plans elaborate murder schemes to fall asleep at night. No, it’s not like how you imagine killing someone occasionally. She may actually act on them if pushed far enough. Currently, her favorite idea is using a dagger stretched enough to cut through the juicy fat of the chin up to the overripe melons of the brain. Of course, that means getting close enough to your victim for the kill, but she can survive a few seconds of excruciatingly gruesome physical contact through a hug by appearing non-threatening and sweet. We all have to make sacrifices. She does not want you to be concerned with this thought, though. It is definitely just a joke! She’s been watching too much of Yellowjackets lately.
Considers her cat her soulmate. The cat is unable to meow, not developing the evolutionary trait felines mature to adapt to human languages and communicate with their owners. The cat speaks only in whimpers. Manic Pixie Dream Girl never evolved to understand human languages either. She’s learned seven in hopes one of them will be “the one.” Has not found the one. Fears her cat only loves her because she does not have anywhere else to place her love.
Has made 439 playlists since 2019. Is unable to process feelings until she finds the perfect song to convey her emotions. Currently, it is Can I Leave Me Too? by the Greeting Committee. And Writer in the Dark by Lorde. She is avoiding listening to these songs because it makes her want to drive straight into the welcoming waves of the ocean. She is also convinced she will leave this life by drowning, a curse her mother bestowed on her by naming her after the sea. Do not mention mothers around her. She will cry. Other topics to avoid include: the Netherlands, gingers, labels, buckwheat, Russian colonialism, and Mikhail Lermontov.
Current hyperfixations include: songs about Christian religious trauma even though she wasn’t raised Christian and saving paintings of sapphic brunettes from pre-19th century. Her best friend is her therapist. She worked at the same high school Manic Pixie Dream Girl attended for a year but they never crossed paths until they both moved across the state. Therapist is married to a man from a similar place Manic Pixie Dream Girl was born. Therapist also has an autistic son. Manic Pixie Dream Girl believes coincidences don’t exist for this exact reason.
Started college at 15. Did not learn how to read clocks until the 10th grade. Is strangely good at math. Refuses to do math out of resentment. Will leave you for her 12th-grade English teacher if given the chance. Still follows her on instagram. This may be a problem area in the relationship. We recommend turning it into a joke about surrogate mothers or a psychoanalysis of her literary choices. Better to avoid the topic overall. You will get the ick once the quirky facade falls and the play is exposed with all its obscenities.
Knows more than the average being about true crime. Favorite includes the Tylenol murders from 1982 (the reason we have tamper-proof packaging today). Is waiting for retirement to spend her time solving mysteries and ingesting the hundreds of unread books she has been collecting. Calls it her life’s library. This is definitely not stolen from another manic pixie dream girl, Alaska Young. Hopefully, she will not suffer the same fate. Realistically, she has a life expectancy shorter than the average person. Keeps a list of people who aren’t allowed to post about her when that happens in her notes app. Will add you to the list once you give her the slightest sense of abandonment. We recommend trying out our other Manic Pixie Dream Girls instead.
